girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
