I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
