please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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