Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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