my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
It's blow job season.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
