I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
