i wish peter jackson would direct porn
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
