He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
