I love black thongs
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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