Ambien. No doubt about it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
