i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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