i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
