u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
