Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
