It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
