You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
