I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
