Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
