My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
