I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
