he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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