She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
