meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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