I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My breasts were aching with rage.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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