I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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