hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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