Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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