then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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