I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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