My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
