So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
