I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
