i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
