Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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