It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
