I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
