I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
