well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
