we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
