My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
