Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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