I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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