I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Randomize
