census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Every concussion has its silver lining
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize