Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
