Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
