i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
i now understand why vodka
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
