i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
