I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
