i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
