I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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